On Being Seen
This month I was invited to appear on a podcast with Dr Helen Webberley. As I was getting set up, I had technical issues (of course) and had to switch from my desktop to laptop which meant the background was unplanned and just where we landed in the moment. Under the pressures of a technical mishap, meeting someone I had never spoken to, and then doing an unscripted recorded interview, my inner critic and nervous system were on full tilt.
I have been slowly stepping into visibility as a transman over the last five or so years, but doing a podcast felt like a much bigger leap. It wasn’t just my words on a LinkedIn or Substack post. It was a conversation with an international trans activist and health provider. The content would be produced by her production team from an hour-long conversation she and I had early on a weekday morning and would be posted on YouTube, TikTok, Substack and Instagram. This was not just pushing me beyond my experience, it was a “no looking back” entry into the global transgender controversy.
Before I transitioned, as a young lesbian in the early 90’s, I was fearless in my activism and visibility. At the time, being queer was radical enough, but advocating for queer YOUTH was extremely fringe. I was passionate about representing my community and participating in conversations that raised the awareness that queer youth did in fact exist.
I was a founding youth board member of the first of its kind LGBT Youth Center in Minneapolis. I took to the stage anytime I was invited to perform at Pride Dyke Nights at the Walker Art Center and alternative cabarets like Vulva Riot. I was on the front page of the Star Tribune Variety section Pride editions a couple of times. And, then, of course, there was the Oprah episode.
This opportunity with Dr. Helen Webberley felt different though.
When I transitioned, I steered away from the queer community and stepped back into the closet. Only family, close friends and lovers knew of my status. I didn’t know at the time, how much that choice cost me. As I slid away from my queer identity, I slid into internalized shame about being trans. And for the decades that followed, I walked amongst people who (without knowing) confirmed that shame.
That shame led me to choices that took me further away from myself until a few years ago when carrying it unhealed almost took my life through addiction. Part of my healing was taking control of my narrative about being a transman. And so I chose to start being true to myself and living proudly out, not just for me, but for others as well.
When I received the rough cut from the producers, my shame monster was trying to have a field day. Pulling apart everything from nits in the background, through the hmms, mmm, and mums, the inflammation and redness of my eyes from a psoriasis flare, to the undying cringe from hearing my “tranny voice”. With the help of trusted friends and family, I was able to quell that nonsense and give a thumbs up to the team to do whatever it was they were going to do.
Having learned first hand how the media can twist narratives to create messaging that suits their objectives. The nerves reminiscent of my late teen media experiences resurged.
What Dr. Webberley’s team did surprised me. How I grew through this experience surprised me even more.
The key messages they pulled out for the shorts, mirrored back to me the strength of my own voice. Giving me a new lens on myself with an opportunity to see what others, (her and her team) took from our conversation.
How I hid and where that brought me.
How knowing I was trans at four shapes what I believe today almost fifty years later.
Advocating for all by affirming being trans is not a choice.
And my truest belief that trans people are lucky.
I have watched all of the footage countless times. Watching the views and likes climb on the different platforms. Reading all of the comments, including the haters. I watched it over and over until I let go of the nagging nits and hyper critical views of myself.
Seeing that picture of me from the first grade sitting proudly in my little red suit, knowing it’s out in the world now, I cannot help but feel proud of that little kid for starting to step toward inner truth, now representing that truth, and me for showing up to get us both where we are today.
How lucky.
Click here for the full episode:
This is so great. You are so well spoken in these clips, authentic and powerful. Well done. I'm proud to be your friend.
There was lots of wisdom in this piece. The part that I find especially important is around visibility, owning your identity and being a model for others to see. You did that exceptionally well in this post, with the authority your experience brings with it. I'm really pleased I stumbled across your article - I will be more intentional about seeking you out in future.