Making Manhood Great Again

On shame, power, and the work of becoming whole.

Few people intimately understand and overcome the shame that hides behind manhood. That shame doesn’t just shape men individually, it shapes the entire system built in their image.

And once you see it, you cannot unsee it.

The worst of that shame is on full display right now in the once United States, with an Administration full of under qualified men filling roles they have no business sitting in. Head of departments with no real experience other than a pledged allegiance to the crooked ways of a rapist felon who has spent a lifetime skirting accountability in a country whose systems have served him to rise while leaving the rest of us to suffer the consequences, especially the direct victims of his corruption and wrong doings. The stark reality of a system built based on the architecture of white men in power. A dangerous machine built by disassociated power hungry men. A disconnection rooted in an inability to sit with their own inadequacy. It’s shame.

For me, watching these men speak is reticent of watching little boys play make believe on a stage, boasting words they can barely pronounce with the bravado born solely from their ego and imagination. They are protected by each other and the systems they have built. All rallied around playing the same game of make believe, with real life consequences to anyone they have deemed beneath them. Anyone not white, straight, cis, and male.

The shame of manhood is on full display.

Federal agents wearing masks to hide their identity with big threatening gear prepped for combat with unarmed citizens. While their boyhood GI Joe dreams become reality, their insecurity reeks through clumsy actions as they fumble people to the ground, tase and pepper spray without real cause, walk back when taunted with sing song chants, inflatable characters and dog treats. If these men were proud of the work they were doing they would not be hiding behind masks and neck gaiters. If they weren’t ashamed of their presence they would proudly show their face and state their name and badge number. But they don’t, do they? It’s not the power or strength they think it is, it’s shame disguised as control.

So few people are talking about what’s behind what is happening though. There are conversations about the male loneliness epidemic or men’s mental health of men crisis, but behind all of that are the social structures and norms that start destroying men when they are boys. The performance of power starts when boys are taught to hide what makes them human. Wings of emotion, joy and expression clipped. Shushed to disconnect, be a man, become enraged, fight, boys will be boys. When tenderness is punished, they become men who live for the approval of each other and harm those that are not like them. Creating a belief that they are superior as they move through an echo chamber that makes them feel good. An echo chamber that was built by and for them. And to be a part of it, you gotta “be a man”. Whatever that means, by any means. Even at one’s own expense.

As a transman who has lived more years male now than female, I have a very real connection to the shame of manhood. For decades, I struggled to understand and find the words for it. While transition brought gender affirmation to my body, living as a man in our culture brought a whole new dissonance. Suddenly disconnected from women by being no longer seen as one, pushed to reassess my own soft spots and sensitivity as I worked to pass as a man, and learning how to relate to men in a way that is connection adjacent. Navigating this took me away from myself in a way that took me years to comeback to. A journey riddled with substance abuse and violence before an awakening that shined a light on this cultural conditioning.

The biggest lesson was that people who don’t know how to face their shame, project it. The target of the projection is often a mirror of the shame itself. In our country today there are no incentives to become a better man while the social, business and political norms are so rooted in destroying men from the inside out.

Men who have done the work lead differently. They know themselves, their strength, the core values, and their love. They listen before they defend. They protect instead of perform.

These men are rare, they are to be celebrated and honored.

Masculinity is not dysregulation.

Masculinity is not loud and forceful.

It is not rage nor violence.

Masculinity is not masked.

Masculinity is grounded.

Masculinity is strong, quiet and confident.

It is proud yet humble.

Independent.

Shame hides in the shadows behind the masks of masculinity.

The shame is loud and, on the outside, it beats others, forces submission, feigning false control -

When they cannot control themselves.

As we watch witness and feel the harm of their shame,

We must see it

Name it

And remember, their shame is not ours to carry

Anymore

We cannot heal what we cannot name.

The real hero’s of this moment in history will be the guys who have the courage to stop, self reflect, assess and realign themselves. The men who embrace and lead the work of making manhood feel good again, for themselves and each other. The men who dare to stand out, be who they are, authentic, loving, kind, brave, courageous, and feeling. The men who redefine what it means to “be a man” by doing good things, leading, thinking, lifting and protecting others. Maybe making manhood great again is daring to stand up to those stuck in the shame cycles of harm, and changing the world we live in by doing just that.

If any of this resonated, please share it with a man doing the work… or one ready to start.

It’s a Goodyear to become the man you are meant to be.

Thanks for reading. As always, please join the conversation below.